First, some news about new Red Rattle Book ‘No Money Honey’
It is now available from Amazon but the famous tax evaders have quoted the wrong price. The actual price is £9.99 and not £15.99. Amazon should change the price to the correct amount in a couple of weeks.
Zombie Phone Call
‘Bev, don’t close your eyes again.’
‘I’m tired. My God, Emma, it’s half past six. This is what darkness looks like in the daytime?’
‘I’m in Lord Street in Southport. It’s full of zombies.’
‘I know, it’s terrible. It’s why I always go to Liverpool.’
‘Have you really opened your eyes?’
‘Sort of, I’m really tired, Emma.’
‘Bev, these are real zombies.’
‘I know. Southport zombies are in a class of their own.’
‘No, Bev, these are living dead zombies. The kind that leave vacant space in graveyards. Bev, don’t close your eyes again. I need Dad to get me out.’
‘I’m going to sleep. I’ll remember this little trick, Emma.’
‘Bev, wake up Dad. Tell him to get me out of here.’
‘You said real zombies, Emma. Like in the cinema?’
‘They are a bit better looking but similar. Not as much as blood but they certainly stink.’
‘Emma, I’ve just seen myself in the mirror. I’ve never seen myself at six thirty in the morning before. I don’t want to ever do it again.’
‘I’m in danger, Bev.’
‘Agreed, I suspect you will be committed before dark. You will be declared insane but no surprises there.’
‘Switch on the TV, Bev. There must be some news.’
‘I thought you wanted me to wake, Dad.’
‘You can do that as well.’
‘I’ll switch on the TV.’
Bev found the remote on the bedside cabinet and selected the BBC News channel.
‘Oh, my God,’ said Bev.
‘Told you,’ said Emma.
‘They’re not that better looking.’
‘I didn’t say they were handsome.’
‘They’re quite gross actually. Oh, my God.’
‘Bev, wake up Dad.’
‘This bloke just knocked the head off of one of the Zombies. There’s another. Oh, my God, they shouldn’t be showing this in the morning. What about little kids?’
‘Bev, wake up Dad. For once, please do what your older sister asks.’
‘I’ll wake up, Dad.’
Bev left the bed and walked to the door of the bedroom of her parents. Bev banged on the door and shouted. She thought about walking in but her parents in the morning were not a pretty sight. Not a million miles from the zombies on the TV to be honest, she thought.
‘Dad, you have to come and watch the TV.’
Her father mumbled and groaned but eventually said a sentence. ‘Is it Penelope Cruz?’
‘It’s serious, Dad.’
‘If it’s not Penelope, I’m not interested.’
‘Dad, Emma is on the phone. She’s stuck in Southport.’
‘I bet she’s drunk,’ said Dad.
‘Get up, love,’ said his wife.
He walked into the bedroom of Bev and watched the TV while Bev spoke to Emma.
‘Dad’s up,’ she said.
‘The car’s turned over,’ said Emma.
‘Oh, my God,’ said Bev. ‘He’ll kill you.’
‘I didn’t do it. The zombies did. Bev, I’m inside the car. They turned it over with me inside. What’s Dad doing?’
‘He’s watching the TV and shaking his head.’
‘Well, tell him to get a move on. I don’t think they can see me but all it needs is one to bend down for a look. ’
‘I don’t think they’re that mobile, Emma.’
‘They’re mobile enough. Is Dad still watching the TV?’
‘He’s getting dressed. Dad’s just shouted. It’s all over Britain. My God, they’re everywhere. Dad’s left the house. He said give him twenty minutes. Are you okay in the car, Emma?’
‘I’ve got my phone and a bottle of water and a bag of mints. I’ll need to go the loo soon.’
‘Dad’s just come back in the house.’
‘Isn’t he useless,’ said Emma. ‘Oh, hello, Dad, they’ve turned the car over, Dad.
‘Who said they could put a curfew on the streets, Dad?
‘They’ve put roadblocks at the end of the street. That’s not fair, Dad.
‘No, Dad, we came out of the club minding our own business.
‘No, Dad, I don’t think short skirts attract the zombies.
‘I thought it was just Southport. It’s nowhere else but Britain? How’s it happened, Dad?
‘I will stay here, Dad, and I won’t do anything until you’ve spoken to your friend in the police.
‘Okay, I’ll speak to Bev in the meantime.’
‘What did Dad say?’ said Bev.
‘He’s phoning someone in the police to give him permission to come to Southport,’ said Emma.
‘It’ll be that woman that Mam and Dad argued about.’
‘Oh, no,’ said Bev and Emma together.
‘Emma, there’s a bloke on the TV who the BBC says has an explanation. He has a pony tail and an earring.’
‘I have to do something, Bev.’
‘Really gross,’ said Bev.
She grimaced and pulled her head away from the phone.
‘Bev, well, what did the know-all say?
‘It’s to do with the lottery, he says. The expert says he warned all the media last Saturday when he heard the number that was drawn. This guy has really thick glasses. He said the numbers in that sequence have the power to raise the dead and that because the number was quoted to ever it was quoted to, I got a bit confused there, it will unleash zombies now who will roam eternity seeking money and reward. This guy saying all this is really weird but the BBC woman is nodding. And it makes sense this other expert is saying because the zombies are climbing the walls of the banks and anywhere where there is money.’
‘Is that all?’ said Emma.
‘Mother’s up and wants to talk and the Archbishop of Canterbury has just come into the studio. I think mother has been crying. No, Emma, it’s just a few tears. What did happen with Dad and that policewoman? Here, Mum wants to speak.’
‘I’m not too cold and I’m not hungry,’ said Emma. ‘I’m sitting on the roof. The car is upside down. Don’t get upset, Mum. He had to speak to her, I suppose. She’s just a friend, Mum. I need to speak to Emma, Mum.’
‘Emma,’ said Bev.
‘That wasn’t easy.’
‘They are burning all the zombies off the walls of the banks. Oh, my God what a mess. You want to see the state of London. The Prime Minister is making a broadcast. He looks really ugh in the morning. He is declaring a state of emergency. He is aware of the damage that is being done to the banks and the financial world by the zombies.’
‘What damage, Bev?’
‘They’re burning the banks down.’
‘Does that mean I won’t have to pay back my overdraft?’
‘They’re going to nationalise the banks and the stock exchange. Dad’s come in to watch the TV. Oh well, that’s put a smile on his face. It didn’t last. Mum has just called Dad a pig. Oh, dear, they’ve left the bedroom. Oh double dear. The policewoman has arrived. Mum has gone to her bedroom and Dad has gone to answer the door.’
Bev handed the phone to the policewoman who was now in her bedroom.
‘Turn down the TV, Bev, please,’ said the policewoman.
She is really bossy, thought Bev.
‘Emma, this is Superintendent Haley.
‘No, your Dad will stay here. I will be there in twenty minutes. We already have police in Lord Street. They have control but stay where you are until I arrive. We should have Southport clear by lunchtime and everything but the banks should be open for the afternoon. Other countries are lending Britain fuel to burn the banks and the zombies.
‘No, Emma, it won’t be the same afterwards.’
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